Goodbye My Lover
by aylarouge
Summary: Even when Dean doesn't want to, he always says goodbye.


**Title:** Goodbye My Lover

**Author: **Ayla Rouge

**Rating: **R **Categories:** Slash

**Characters: **Sam/Dean

**Summary: **Even when Dean doesn't want to, he always says goodbye.

**Beta:**biggelois

**Authors Note:** Again another one written back in 2008, and the **SPN** are just a way to break up the story. I couldn't think of a different way to do it. Please review. Remember; reviews=life!!

**SPN**

Watching the bus drive away Dean felt like his heart was tied to the end of that bus, being ripped out of his chest. He leaned against the Impala and wished Sam wasn't on the bus. He wished that Sam didn't want normal, didn't want to be away from their family. But no matter how many supernatural things were out there, wishes coming true weren't one of them. What was the point in thinking about something you'll never get back?

He could still smell Sam, could still taste him on his tongue and that made fighting back the tears harder for Dean. _Why,_ ran though his head as he turned to open the door. To drive back to the lonely motel room where Sam was half an hour ago still here, still his, and _oh god_ _Sammy_ Dean already missed him.

It wasn't right, how much this hurt Dean. Sam was his brother and this was what brothers do. They went off to school and moved on with their life. They didn't stay with their families until something killed them. But that was normal and the Winchesters were anything but normal. That didn't explain why Dean was hurting and why he needed Sam here with him. It didn't, until Dean let himself think about _how_ he knew Sam's taste and how his smell was still on him, until you get to the point were being a Winchester wasn't a good enough excuse for what happened behind bathroom doors while their dad was in a drunken sleep. What happened when Dean would drive them out to no-where and Sam would crawl into his lap and _dear god,_ they were going to hell for the sinfully wonderful feeling of fucking your brother.

Dean could still remember when they first got together. Sam was so…young. Too young to be wanting what he said he wanted; and too innocent to come to his big brother for it. Dean should have said no. _No Sammy no. You're my brother, I can't_, but he didn't because he needed it. Needed to feel his brother close to him, closer then any had ever been because it was Sam and he loved Sam.

**SPN**

_Dean knew what woke him up. He heard Sam tossing and turning in his bed across the hall and guessed his little brother would be coming to sleep with him tonight. His nightmares did that to Sammy, made him get up in the middle of the night and fall into bed with his big brother like he was five again and not sixteen. But Dean was the only one who could get Sam back to sleep after a nightmare, Dean liked that he could help him like that. That he was important to the boy who was his everything._

_Like every other night Sam needed his brother he would open Dean's door like he was half asleep still, walk over to his bed and climb in. Dean would hold him close, running his hands through his hair, down his back and sweet Sam would fall asleep in his arms like he was six months old and sleeping in his hands while their dad watched the flames eat the home he once had with the love of his life._

_But that night was different. Sam still walked into his room half asleep and he did still climb under Dean's sheets, but Sam didn't fall asleep in Dean's hold, smoothed by his hands. Sam looked at his brother with something hidden in his eyes. Something…animal-like that Dean didn't, or wouldn't, put a name to because this was Sammy._

"_Dean?" Sam reached out to the Dean's face and he knew, knew that whatever happened here. Things between them would never be the same._

"_Dean, I need you." Not 'I need your help' or 'I can't sleep Dean'. No, it was a whisper of sin calling out to the lust the running inside of Dean's heart._

"_What do you need Sammy?" Sam didn't make a face at Dean for calling him that, and Dean pretended like he didn't know what his brother wanted._

"_You, please Dean let me have you."_

_Dean looked away from his brother. How? How could Sam ask for that? And why was he so calm? If this went any further they would go to hell. No waiting, no line, right down that that special little piece of Hell saved just for people like them. Dean couldn't put Sam there. He was the oldest; he had to look out for Sam._

"_Sam…" But Dean couldn't say no. Not to Sammy. He loved him to much to do that. And Sam knew it._

"_Please," Sam moved closer to his brother; trying to drive his need into Dean, "I need you Dean. I need to be closer to you."_

_That's what won Dean over in the end. Something Sam needed something he could fix. Dean just didn't know if by fixing this, giving into Sam, he would break himself._

**SPN**

Watching the bus leave, taking people away from their homes, Dean thought of that question again. '_How?'_ Why did Sam ask for that, knowing that he would leave? Knowing that Dean would never be the same again? Knowing that with Sam there Dean was whole, that with out him Dean would give into the grief of taking his younger brothers' virginity.

It wasn't fair. Sam said he wanted normal, but doing what the two of them did wasn't going to get him any closer to his goal. Was that why Sam left? To reach his goal without the temptation of his brother around. God this was confusing.

Getting into the car Dean leant his forehead against the steering wheel. Whatever the reason Sam left Dean had to stay in control. Their father needed him. But just for a minute, before starting the car and going back to John, Dean cried. His shoulders shook and his knuckles went white from his tight grip. Sam was his everything and now that he was gone Dean needed to forget.

So he did.


End file.
